Tuesday, August 13, 2013

It's Complicated, Part Two

I have previously written about the first time I was told I had some small signs of diabetic retinopathy. Though wrecked by that news, I pushed myself to move forward with optimism and resolve. I have been going to the ophthalmologist's office every 4 months with bated breath since then, and every 4 months I left that office with a "no change" report card and a sigh of relief.

I have kept my A1C at 7.2% or lower since that stressful day, fueled by both my desire to reduce the risk of complications and to one day expand our party of two. These past few weeks I hit my lowest ever and got the green light from both my Endo and my OB/GYN to get pregnant. A small part of my former poorly-controlled self always doubted my ability to get here, to achieve this. I floated home to my husband to share the news - the thought of possible parenthood both thrilling and horrifying us at the same time. I was a bundle of emotions at thought of being allowed to work toward a bundle of our own.

As timing would have it, all of my appointments were grouped over a 2 week period, the last being a follow-up ophtho visit the day before we left for a week-long European vacation. I was packed and ready to go make memories (and maybe a baby - that "green light" thing was all I could think about).

But this time I traded the sigh of relief for the uncontrolled gasps between sobs. I had proliferative change for the first time. There were appointments made for mapping out my eye vessels with an angiography study followed by laser therapy. He only saw changes in the left eye, but when I whispered through tears that I had gotten the go-ahead to get pregnant, he said we would have to be extra-conservative and laser any possible changes in the right eye, if present. Pregnancy can worsen retinopathy.

Then he gently said that I should hold off on starting a family, until we knew how the course would go.

I left the office silent and stunned. I called my mother from the car, my voice not revealing the turmoil building in the pit of my heart. She excitedly launched into conversation, starting with, "Shara! You won't believe what happened today! You won't believe it! I'm so mad!"

I let her continue, not feeling ready to release the floodgates of my emotions.

"Your father played the lottery and today he found out he got 5 out of 6 numbers! We almost won 42 million dollars! Can you imagine that? He was one number away! I can't even believe it, I'm so ANGRY!"

I sat, still and quiet, in my car. Over a thousand miles away, my mother then felt that something was wrong through the invisible phone line. I shared. And I cried. And I realized that I did not care that my father had almost won 42 million dollars. It wouldn't have reversed the changes in my eye. It wouldn't buy back the life I had before diabetes struck. It wouldn't change anything of worth.

They say health is wealth. I understand that in this moment, more than ever.

My green light has turned to red, and I would pay anything to be able to change it back.

12 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for your shocking news. Thinking of you and hoping for the best.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Shara - I know you know that you are strong and that you are and will be fine. And I know you know that no much how life can suck and bring you down at times, there is a way where there's a will. You have already shown tremendous resiliency and determination by working to keep your A1C under such good control and I know that you can and will carry you through this. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to hear to hold off on pregnancy at this moment, after having that green light, but I hope you also can find the strength to remember that doesn't mean "never" or "not soon" - and you know that you are taking care of yourself to the best of your ability and you are taking all the right steps to ensure the best health of your own self as well as your future child's - I wholeheartedly commend you for being so awesome and courageous and for sharing your life with all of us in the doc.

    Sending mental vibes of tranquility and <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm so sorry... I wish there was more I could say to make it better to fix it, but I know that there are no words in this world that will heal a hurt like that.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Other than watching your diet, is there anything you can do to minimize complications. Or in general, is there a link between type I and the development of gestational diabetes?

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm so sorry, Shara. I wish I had something more to say.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks for the kind support, everyone! I was just grappling with the initial onslaught of emotions. I know now things will be ok :) Your words helped me get there!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh goodness, I'm so sorry to hear this. Congrats though on the good A1C, it's always great to hear about hard work paying off

    ReplyDelete
  8. so you are now told not to get pregnant ? as per your doctors' instructions ?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was just told to wait until we know how the course of treatment will go.

      Delete
  9. Am Julian from Canada,i onces suffered from the problem of weak erection and premature ejaculation,which my family doctor could not cured,and it was affecting my home,i had to search the net for a solution,then i came across the contact of stonesharryleon who help in the cure of weak erection and premature ejaculation,i got his contact,i never believe he could help me,but now am completely free from the problem,i gave him all the details he need to know about me,and i got the medication,which i took for some days,now am completely free from it,if you have such problem on it or impotency,you can contact him on +2348077210007 or through his mail on stonesharryleon12@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. Am Julian from Canada,i onces suffered from the problem of weak erection and premature ejaculation,which my family doctor could not cured,and it was affecting my home,i had to search the net for a solution,then i came across the contact of stonesharryleon who help in the cure of weak erection and premature ejaculation,i got his contact,i never believe he could help me,but now am completely free from the problem,i gave him all the details he need to know about me,and i got the medication,which i took for some days,now am completely free from it,if you have such problem on it or impotency,you can contact him on +2348077210007 or through his mail on stonesharryleon12@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete